ENTROPY (8/10/04)

Fresh start?
Who are you kidding?
This is not going to work
You can’t make something new work
By running away from what has not
You need to hunker down in therapy, heal the old
And pray that somehow that will make some difference

It’s entropy, man
It’s all winding down all the time
Don’t you see it?
You can’t start something new at all
Just struggle mightily against the dissolution of the past
A virus will take your computer
And a virus will take you

Face it
It’s not working, hasn’t worked, will not work
Bottom line – you don’t work
And that’s what you will carry with you
Wherever you go
This is what therapy cannot fix
What no number of geographic fixes will ever mend

Well, but”
No well but’s – it’s just the truth
I say it to you for your own good

But, I think new things have happened –
Sometimes life feels new”
Bullshit – what happened to it?
What do you have still to show?
Where is all that newness now?

Well the very fact that I want to go
That I could somehow emerge a vision of something new
The part of me that believes I could
Take off without a plan and trust what is ahead
The part of me that sees you
This voice within me that
Certainly speaks for entropy
And is not totally cowed
That yes has feared you
Has feared, does sometimes fear
But will not live in fear
Will not back off from my truth just
Because you say ‘face it’

Somehow ‘face it’ from you does not really mean ‘face it’
Does not mean look at the whole truth and take it straight
It means, ‘listen to my right-now mean and nasty version of the truth –
Listen to my painful, limited, destructive picture of the real,
Emerging honestly from my own pain’

OK, I’ll face it – on my terms
I’ll face your despair – and mine
I’ll face the call of the new
Which comes to me from more sources than I will ever know
I will face the love of those who love me
Which I know that I would sometimes dodge
I will face the energy and aliveness
Present in this world in more forms and places and people
Than there are words to tell
And I am going to go see some of them
And see what they do for this aliveness in me
Which, yes, has suffered its share
The slings and arrows
And all manner of psychological crime
Which sometimes therapy can help
And sometimes maybe not
I will go face this energy outside of me and inside me
Why might not some new place
Help me find and see and face
That source of new life sleeping always within me?
Perhaps this is my testimony of faith
That there is something new
Over that hill I have not yet crossed


Something might be calling me that I have never seen
And that things are present within me that perhaps
Can never find life except in that next place

Or not –
But if I do not climb that hill I will never know
And so I gotta go
And that voice inside of me and you
And in the air we breathe, it seems
That says that change can’t happen
That risk is wrong
That I can’t, we can’t – and shouldn’t try
I love that voice, because it speaks so poignantly to
So much of what we have suffered, do suffer
But I gotta respectfully submit
Entropy this!”


2 thoughts on “Entropy

    1. Thanks, Paul – this is a wonderful response from you, about as good as they get.

      I love it about this poem that the voice of hate throws out its best stuff – is about as hating as my self-hate ever gets – but the voice for hope, rather than crumbling in the face of this onslaught, comes back timidly at first but then with more and more power. It always encourages me.


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